Trix

Sometimes I hear a song on the radio for the first time and bam, the lyric or melody get to me. I heard a Billy Joel song yesterday for the first time and it had that effect. Made me think about someone; but then I think about him all the time anyway.

I never ask you where you go
After I leave you in the morning
We go our different ways to separate situations
It's not that easy anymore

Today I do what must be done
I give my time to total strangers
But now it feels as though the day goes on forever
More than it ever did before

Until the night, until the night
I just might make it
Until the night, until the night
When I see you again

Now you're afraid that we have changed
And I'm afraid we're getting older
So many broken hearts, so many lonely faces
So many lovers come and gone

I'll have my fears like every man
You'll have your tears like every woman
Today we'll be unsure, is this what we believe in
And wonder how can we go on

Until the night, until the night
I just might make it
Until the night, until the night
When I see you again

When the sun goes down
And the day is over
When the last of the light has gone
As they pour into the street
I will be getting closer
As the cars turn their headlights on
While they're closing it down
We're gonna open it up
And while they're going to sleep
We'll just be starting to touch
I'm just beginning to feel
I'm just beginning to give
I'm just beginning to feel
I'm just beginning to live
Before I leave you again
Before the light of the dawn
Before this evening can end
I have been waiting so long

Until the night, until the night
I just might make it
Until the night, until the night
I'll just keep holding on
Until the night, until the night
When I see you again

Geeze I feel hacked off. I feel this way most mornings. Yet another day with nothing solved and yet another day with nothing to look forwad to. I keep reading my stars, heaven knows why, clutching at straws I expect, and they keep saying do and say nothing. This is good because that is my plan anyway. The thought process behind this is that I can't be blamed for anything. A bit arse about face because I know that everything that is wrong in my life is my fault anyway.

I used to try hard, I know I'm very trying!!!! But whether I try hard or do nothing the outcome is still the same. My life seems to revolve around other people's whims, Maybe I should take control and then live with the consequences. Why should other people in my life have all the power.

I also seem to spend a lot of time trying not to cry but once in bed at night they often seep out from under the lashes and I hate that feeling when they slid over your nose - it tickles.

I have two choices right now, get back under the quilt or get dressed and go to work. MMmm

Well I’ve thought about it long and hard and have decided that it would be a period of time.

I always thought that 36 was a very sophisticated age for a woman; the right age to be mature yet in her prime and looking back it was that age for me. Well from about 36 to 40.

I had a job I loved a boss I adored and a group of friends who were the greatest. I was at my slimmest and my most confidant. Unfortunately during this time I also experienced my saddest time when Mike died from cancer.

I also nearly died twice, both scuba incidents. Maybe that was a hint!

After the age of 40 it all went in the shape of a pear. Over the next few years my friend died, my boss died; both at the age of 48 from brain haemorrhages, and the group of friends are now scattered to the four winds.

I was talking to one of the group the other week and he was saying how he had come to realise how powerful he was. He had the power to affect other people’s lives and change them completely.

As I listened I came to realise that during that time I was completely powerLESS to have any affect on his powers and knowing that made me feel really small, useless and insignificant. He calls me a friend but I’m not sure why.

But I digress. Looking back to that slot in time I seem to remember feeling very settled and content. BUT

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

I didn’t know that then.

I spent last evening with an old work colleague. He is a good friend and always there when needed. The kind of bloke who would give you his last shilling and not ask questions.

He seems to have become my confidant in the lack of anyone else to talk to and he like me is baffled by the whole situation. He keeps saying “there is more to this than meets the eye.” I’m not so sure but keep an open mind.

Anyway he suddenly asked me “what is your happiest memory” ?

I thought and thought and couldn’t come up with an answer. He found that very strange. I explained that many things had popped into my head but once there it was quickly followed by something that had spoilt it. Someone’s stern look or a comment or someone else just ruining the whole thing.

I asked if he meant a single event or a period of time? He said it didn't matter, then his next question was “what is your saddest memory”?

I'll give both of these questions some thought.

He said his happiest time was in the Navy and especially when he graduated as a Navy Pilot. A long distant memory now but it still gives him great pride - that's nice.

Something I say to myself many times a day these days is ‘This too shall pass”. For a few moments it makes me feel better.

I first heard it from my boss’s boss. My boss had died suddenly and I felt bereft. He was a wonderful man and my boss’s boss must have felt far worse than me as they were friends from way back. I thought about what he’d said and his words made me feel better.

Recently I heard it again and so looked it up on Google, it seems to come from a Hebrew saying or a story about King Solomon.

The origin of the saying "this too shall pass" appears to date back to a story told about King Solomon. It is said that the King, feeling blue, asked his advisors to find him a ring he had seen in a dream. "When I feel satisfied I’m afraid that it won’t last. And when I don’t, I am afraid my sorrow will go on forever. Find me the ring that will ease my suffering." Eventually an advisor met an old jeweller who carved into a simple gold band the Hebrew inscription "gam zeh ya’avor" – "this too shall pass." When the king received his ring and read the inscription his sorrows turned to joy and his joy to sorrows, and then both gave way to equanimity.

I suppose the simple view is that neither joy nor sorrow last forever but having said that it seems unfair that the sorrow side of things seems to last inordinately longer than the joy side!

Getting from here to there is a long journey and it is the unknown in between that is scary. Many people enjoy the challenge but I’ve always been unsure of change even though most times it has worked out well.

On Friday I thought everything was going to change. I became very upset; but in the end nothing happened. I’m not sure how I feel about it now. I want things sorted but then again I don’t. I didn’t ask questions.

As I used to say to my boss after a hard day “Tomorrow is another day” but without the southern bell accent!

Tomorrow I’ll potter in my garden.