tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2009-11-10:/A closed mouth gathers no feet!MokoFeed2009-11-10T09:29:44+01:00tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2007-09-17:/2007/09/17/a_new_life~2996979/m1cvg2007-09-17T23:31:26+02:002007-09-17T23:31:26+02:00 <p>Again I've been very remiss in keeping up to date with my blog. Mainly because life has changed so much in the last six weeks. </p> <p>I went to visit my friend in Wales for a few days at the beginning of August and during that time my husband of over 23 years moved out of our house. I had decided that I couldn't actually watch him go, I knew it would be too much to bare, so I took myself off to my best friend.</p> <p>She came back with me and although I tried to be brave I couldn't hold it together when I opened the wardrobes and found them empty so I really grateful that she was here. After a few days she had to go back and since then I have been keeping busy with work and find that keeping the house and the garden by myself is keeping my weekends busy as well.</p> <p>I still don't know what will happen to me with regard to the house and at the moment I'm not brave enough to ask, but that will come. In the next week or two I think.</p> <p>I'll keep you posted!!<img src="/img/smilies/grayuhoh.gif" alt="U-(" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2007/09/17/a_new_life~2996979/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2007-07-15:/2007/07/15/title~2640326/m1cvg2007-07-15T19:26:56+02:002007-07-15T19:46:35+02:00 <p>Sidejump is to blame! As you can see it sucks. Not for the rating for the taking part!</p> <p>I did the 'What animal are you" one and turned into a cat but it wouldn't post so you'll just have to believe me.</p> This Is My Life, Rated Life: <img src="http://www.monkeyquiz.com/img/yelbar.gif" height="12" width="90"> 4.5 Mind: <img src="http://www.monkeyquiz.com/img/oryelbar.gif" height="12" width="74"> 3.7 Body: <img src="http://www.monkeyquiz.com/img/greblubar.gif" height="12" width="146"> 7.3 Spirit: <img src="http://www.monkeyquiz.com/img/oryelbar.gif" height="12" width="72"> 3.6 Friends/Family: <img src="http://www.monkeyquiz.com/img/orbar.gif" height="12" width="50"> 2.5 Love: <img src="http://www.monkeyquiz.com/img/redorbar.gif" height="12" width="36"> 1.8 Finance: <img src="http://www.monkeyquiz.com/img/greblubar.gif" height="12" width="134"> 6.7 <a href="http://www.monkeyquiz.com/life/rate_my_life.html">Take the Rate My Life Quiz</a> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2007/07/15/title~2640326/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2007-07-14:/2007/07/14/out_of_the_closet~2635884/m1cvg2007-07-14T22:33:57+02:002007-07-14T22:33:57+02:00 <p>I’ve started coming out of the closet, I’ve told two people this week that he is moving out. Needless to say I cried both times but not the sobbing I wanted to do. I kept a stiff upper lip and took lots of deep breaths.</p> <p>Strangely on both occasions they both said they had gone cold all over once the news had sunk in. As yet though I haven’t told my Dad and as far as I’m aware he hasn’t told anyone, not even his sister. Neither of us are that close to our families but close enough that they will be upset, my Dad especially as he is 75 and we have got closer over the years. Distance plays a part in both our families, his live in Scotland and mine live in Plymouth, except my brother who lives 3o miles away and I haven’t seen for two years or more!</p> <p>The two people I told are not even ‘friends’. One was my boss and the other my hairdresser. Maybe I was using them to practice on. People who have known us both for years are going to be very shocked as there has never been any hint that we weren’t anything but happy and content. And that’s what I thought too!</p> <p>The fact that we don’t really see our ‘friends’ has made it easy to keep the situation to ourselves. I have wondered how long I could actually keep it from everyone. Months in truth as most of the people we know don’t live locally so we only ever have contact once or twice a year or it is by email and you can hide everything in an email!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2007/07/14/out_of_the_closet~2635884/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2007-07-09:/2007/07/09/fat_chance~2604875/m1cvg2007-07-09T21:16:44+02:002007-07-10T09:13:48+02:00 <p>I need a hug, I need to feel loved, I would like to feel like a real person and not a worn out piece of knotted string. I’d like to feel young and care free. Fat chance.</p> <p>During the day I keep it all together, and during the evening I keep it under control but I’m getting really worn out with the effort of it all. But still there is an end date. He has said he is moving out and today, quite by chance I passed him on the by-pass. He should have been at work. Apparently he had been looking at a place to move to. I asked if he would have told me if I hadn’t seen him and he said he didn’t know. I do, he wouldn’t.</p> <p>I also said he didn’t seem particularly bothered by the fact that we were splitting up, he said he wouldn’t say he wasn’t bothered. Pick the bones out of that? He seems to be neither here or there on the subject and certainly won’t talk about it. Well that’s the problem; he never did talk about anything. So now we find our selves at the end of a 30 year relationship. </p> <p>I get the impression that once he moves out I won’t see or hear from him again. He has no interest in me or anything about me. To be honest I think I could do with a few weeks of non contact; I need to hibernate for a while.</p> <p>But it isn’t going to be easy and I imagine that is an understatement!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2007/07/09/fat_chance~2604875/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2007-07-05:/2007/07/05/coffee_time_chat~2578953/m1cvg2007-07-05T15:56:59+02:002007-07-05T15:56:59+02:00 <p>A man chatted to me today. A complete stranger, in Tesco. Not a place a like to shop in but the coffee shop is half decent and cheap and they provide free newspapers to read. This chap had just finished his Express and asked me if I'd finished with The Times so we swopped. In the process we had a conversation about how wonderful it was that Alan Johnson had been released yesterday. He had a particilar interest because he had worked at the BBC. I didn't get to find out what he was doing in Tesco in the middle of the day though.</p> <p>It can be quite lonely having a break in coffee shops so having a newspaper or such like to read means you don't spend time watching everyone else and wondering what they're talking about.</p> <p>Next door have gone away to Scotland for two weeks, starting at a rock concert for 3 days. They seem to be recapturing their youth and taking their teenage son with them. I'm in charge of checking the house, taking the post in and picking their raspberries and strawaberries so they don't get wasted. How does one make raspberry coulee (sp)? I suppose I could make smoothies yum yum.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2007/07/05/coffee_time_chat~2578953/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2007-07-05:/2007/07/05/until_the_night~2578708/m1cvg2007-07-05T15:22:35+02:002007-07-05T15:22:35+02:00 <p>Sometimes I hear a song on the radio for the first time and bam, the lyric or melody get to me. I heard a Billy Joel song yesterday for the first time and it had that effect. Made me think about someone; but then I think about him all the time anyway.</p> <blockquote><p>I never ask you where you go<br> After I leave you in the morning<br> We go our different ways to separate situations<br> It's not that easy anymore</p> <p>Today I do what must be done<br> I give my time to total strangers<br> But now it feels as though the day goes on forever<br> More than it ever did before</p> <p>Until the night, until the night<br> I just might make it<br> Until the night, until the night<br> When I see you again</p> <p>Now you're afraid that we have changed<br> And I'm afraid we're getting older<br> So many broken hearts, so many lonely faces<br> So many lovers come and gone</p> <p>I'll have my fears like every man<br> You'll have your tears like every woman<br> Today we'll be unsure, is this what we believe in<br> And wonder how can we go on</p> <p>Until the night, until the night<br> I just might make it<br> Until the night, until the night<br> When I see you again</p> <p>When the sun goes down<br> And the day is over<br> When the last of the light has gone<br> As they pour into the street<br> I will be getting closer<br> As the cars turn their headlights on<br> While they're closing it down<br> We're gonna open it up<br> And while they're going to sleep<br> We'll just be starting to touch<br> I'm just beginning to feel<br> I'm just beginning to give<br> I'm just beginning to feel<br> I'm just beginning to live<br> Before I leave you again<br> Before the light of the dawn<br> Before this evening can end<br> I have been waiting so long</p> <p>Until the night, until the night<br> I just might make it<br> Until the night, until the night<br> I'll just keep holding on<br> Until the night, until the night<br> When I see you again</p></blockquote> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2007/07/05/until_the_night~2578708/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2007-07-05:/2007/07/05/very_trying~2576464/m1cvg2007-07-05T08:31:07+02:002007-07-05T08:32:47+02:00 <p>Geeze I feel hacked off. I feel this way most mornings. Yet another day with nothing solved and yet another day with nothing to look forwad to. I keep reading my stars, heaven knows why, clutching at straws I expect, and they keep saying do and say nothing. This is good because that is my plan anyway. The thought process behind this is that I can't be blamed for anything. A bit arse about face because I know that everything that is wrong in my life is my fault anyway.</p> <p>I used to try hard, I know I'm very trying!!!! But whether I try hard or do nothing the outcome is still the same. My life seems to revolve around other people's whims, Maybe I should take control and then live with the consequences. Why should other people in my life have all the power.</p> <p>I also seem to spend a lot of time trying not to cry but once in bed at night they often seep out from under the lashes and I hate that feeling when they slid over your nose - it tickles.</p> <p>I have two choices right now, get back under the quilt or get dressed and go to work. MMmm<br> <img src="/img/smilies/grayconfused.gif" alt=":??:" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2007/07/05/very_trying~2576464/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2007-07-04:/2007/07/04/a_slot_in_time~2572281/m1cvg2007-07-04T15:25:25+02:002007-07-04T15:25:25+02:00 <p>Well I’ve thought about it long and hard and have decided that it would be a period of time. </p> <p>I always thought that 36 was a very sophisticated age for a woman; the right age to be mature yet in her prime and looking back it was that age for me. Well from about 36 to 40.</p> <p>I had a job I loved a boss I adored and a group of friends who were the greatest. I was at my slimmest and my most confidant. Unfortunately during this time I also experienced my saddest time when Mike died from cancer.</p> <p>I also nearly died twice, both scuba incidents. Maybe that was a hint!</p> <p>After the age of 40 it all went in the shape of a pear. Over the next few years my friend died, my boss died; both at the age of 48 from brain haemorrhages, and the group of friends are now scattered to the four winds. </p> <p>I was talking to one of the group the other week and he was saying how he had come to realise how powerful he was. He had the power to affect other people’s lives and change them completely.</p> <p>As I listened I came to realise that during that time I was completely powerLESS to have any affect on his powers and knowing that made me feel really small, useless and insignificant. He calls me a friend but I’m not sure why. </p> <p>But I digress. Looking back to that slot in time I seem to remember feeling very settled and content. BUT </p> <p>THIS TOO SHALL PASS</p> <p>I didn’t know that then.<br> <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wave.gif" alt=":wave:" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2007/07/04/a_slot_in_time~2572281/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2007-07-03:/2007/07/03/title~2564059/m1cvg2007-07-03T10:10:00+02:002007-07-04T10:10:31+02:00 <p>I spent last evening with an old work colleague. He is a good friend and always there when needed. The kind of bloke who would give you his last shilling and not ask questions.</p> <p>He seems to have become my confidant in the lack of anyone else to talk to and he like me is baffled by the whole situation. He keeps saying “there is more to this than meets the eye.” I’m not so sure but keep an open mind.</p> <p>Anyway he suddenly asked me “what is your happiest memory” ?</p> <p>I thought and thought and couldn’t come up with an answer. He found that very strange. I explained that many things had popped into my head but once there it was quickly followed by something that had spoilt it. Someone’s stern look or a comment or someone else just ruining the whole thing.</p> <p>I asked if he meant a single event or a period of time? He said it didn't matter, then his next question was “what is your saddest memory”?</p> <p>I'll give both of these questions some thought.</p> <p>He said his happiest time was in the Navy and especially when he graduated as a Navy Pilot. A long distant memory now but it still gives him great pride - that's nice.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2007/07/03/title~2564059/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2007-06-30:/2007/06/30/title~2549517/m1cvg2007-06-30T22:04:52+02:002007-07-03T08:41:25+02:00 <p>Something I say to myself many times a day these days is ‘This too shall pass”. For a few moments it makes me feel better.</p> <p>I first heard it from my boss’s boss. My boss had died suddenly and I felt bereft. He was a wonderful man and my boss’s boss must have felt far worse than me as they were friends from way back. I thought about what he’d said and his words made me feel better.</p> <p>Recently I heard it again and so looked it up on Google, it seems to come from a Hebrew saying or a story about King Solomon.</p> <blockquote><p>The origin of the saying "this too shall pass" appears to date back to a story told about King Solomon. It is said that the King, feeling blue, asked his advisors to find him a ring he had seen in a dream. "When I feel satisfied I’m afraid that it won’t last. And when I don’t, I am afraid my sorrow will go on forever. Find me the ring that will ease my suffering." Eventually an advisor met an old jeweller who carved into a simple gold band the Hebrew inscription "gam zeh ya’avor" – "this too shall pass." When the king received his ring and read the inscription his sorrows turned to joy and his joy to sorrows, and then both gave way to equanimity. </p></blockquote> <p>I suppose the simple view is that neither joy nor sorrow last forever but having said that it seems unfair that the sorrow side of things seems to last inordinately longer than the joy side!</p> <p>Getting from here to there is a long journey and it is the unknown in between that is scary. Many people enjoy the challenge but I’ve always been unsure of change even though most times it has worked out well. <img src="/img/smilies/icon_cry.gif" alt=":'(" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>On Friday I thought everything was going to change. I became very upset; but in the end nothing happened. I’m not sure how I feel about it now. I want things sorted but then again I don’t. I didn’t ask questions. <img src="/img/smilies/grayconfused.gif" alt=":??:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>As I used to say to my boss after a hard day “Tomorrow is another day” but without the southern bell accent!</p> <p>Tomorrow I’ll potter in my garden. <img src="/img/smilies/icon_cool.gif" alt="B)" class="middle" border="0"><br> <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wave.gif" alt=":wave:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2007/06/30/title~2549517/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2007-06-26:/2007/06/26/more_annoying_habits~2521107/m1cvg2007-06-26T09:08:48+02:002007-06-26T09:08:48+02:00 <p>Now that I’m more sensitive to such things I’ve found I have another habit that some may find annoying; I polish my taps. If I needed an excuse (which I don’t) it is because they are new and bright and shiny and I live in a very hard water area. But even when I didn’t have new shiny taps I still polished them. I don’t mean I get the brasso out I just wipe the water spots off and give them an extra rub. Does this make me a bad person? <img src="/img/smilies/grayno.gif" alt=":no:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I’ve had a few near misses over the last few days; well to be exact one didn’t miss. There was sat sitting (in the passenger seat) waiting for a pupil and I watched this lady start to back her large 4x4 out of her drive. I had a fleeting thought that she must have seen me parked on the opposite side of the road, but before this fleeting thought had even finished she rammed right into me. One hell of a crash and my next fleeting thought was ****ing hell I’ve got a driving test in three hours and I can’t do it in a car with a caved in front and missing headlight. <img src="/img/smilies/icon_evil.gif" alt=">:-[" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>We both alighted from our vehicles and she was full of apologies and admitting it was entirely her fault; this made me laugh as it was pretty bloody obvious. However, other than my head light scratched and a blob of paint missing from the bumper there wasn’t much else. It appears that it was her spare wheel cover (made of plastic) that had made contact. We both had a good laugh at how frightened we’d been and off she went on her merry way. </p> <p>THEN when my pupil eventually came out of her house (she is always late) we went off for our lesson. Something we have done every week since God were a lad!!!!!!! About an hour into the lesson I asked her to turn right and then asked why she had decided to go rather than wait for the on coming car. With anyone else I wouldn’t have been concerned but she has an aversion to using her gas pedal when moving away and we normal glide rather than drive. Anyway she said “what car”? <img src="/img/smilies/grayconfused.gif" alt=":??:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>THEN yesterday another pupil was waiting to emerge at a roundabout and we both decided it was clear to go, the next moment a car cut across our bonnet to leave at the next exit. We were both at a loss as to know where it had come from. We decided we needed an action replay or a spy in the sky to figure it out. I have to admit that those two exits, being close together are a death trap. The roundabout was only opened last year and I’ve thought that from day one.</p> <p>Right I need to get out side and pick up all the plant pots the wind has blown over and cut the sweet peas. I didn’t swim again this morning but tomorrow I will.<br> <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wave.gif" alt=":wave:" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2007/06/26/more_annoying_habits~2521107/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2007-06-20:/2007/06/20/i_lied~2485598/m1cvg2007-06-20T10:07:21+02:002007-06-20T10:07:21+02:00 <p>and I broke the promise, I didn't get out of my bed this morning and go swimming and I really should have because I'm working till half seven tonight and I needed to work off some stress. Maybe I thought that staying in bed was good for stress, not that I stayed there, I still got up at the normal time.</p> <p>I've put dinner in the slow cooker so at least I won't have to wait for my meal when I get it but by the time I've eaten it it will be nearly time for bed then up again to do more of the same tomorrow. Not that it is any different from anyone else’s life.<br> I think I need new batteries; not just in my life but in my keyboard and mouse, they both seem very unresponsive especially the mouse and I have resorted to some impact adjustment (banging it on the desk) several times. The keyboard is determined not to spell things right and keeps missing out letters. I'm a trained touch typist so it can't be me!!!!<img src="/img/smilies/icon_confused.gif" alt=":-/" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>One of favourite holiday destinations was mentioned by someone last week and ever since I've been day dreaming about it. One of my chain of thoughts has been 'would I be brave enough to go back there on my own'? Actually I think I would if I could ever afford it but to be honest the thing that would stop from going is the thought of how the hell would I get to Heathrow? I don't live a million miles away from it but enough for it to be a bloody nuisance.</p> <p>Also, I'm a bit like a rabbit in headlights in crowded places and the thought of Heathrow itself would scare me to death. <img src="/img/smilies/graybigeek.gif" alt="88|" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>But it is all academic as it is only a day dream anyway.<br> <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wave.gif" alt=":wave:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2007/06/20/i_lied~2485598/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2007-06-19:/2007/06/19/you_tube_land~2479289/m1cvg2007-06-19T09:53:31+02:002007-06-19T09:53:31+02:00 <p>I've discovered YouTube. Once you log on you get hooked in watching all sorts of things. I've discovered some music videos from years back including The Monkees, a very under rated group I have to say. There are also some very strange things as well and it seems to be full of things for fetish lovers of all sorts!!</p> <p>Anyway I've taken the plunge and uploaded some of my own. My account is still a work in progress and doesn't contain anything for fetish lovers unless you count wet suits. <img src="/img/smilies/icon_eek.gif" alt="8|" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I've had a headache for two days now. First noticed it in the pool yesterday morning and I suppose I should have gone swimming again today but my bed was too comfy to leave so I didn't. Will try harder tomorrow - promise.</p> <p>I'm pondering on taking a road trip to my friend in Wales. It's a long way from here but I think I could do with the break. Finding it might be a bit fraught as I'm usually the passenger and just sit back and relax, well sleep actually. <img src="/img/smilies/icon_yawn.gif" alt=":yawn:" class="middle" border="0"> But this time I'll have to drive as I intend to go on my own. I know someone who has a spare Sat Nav but asking to borrow it wouldn't be a sensible thing to do right now. Never mind, there is always Google Maps. No doubt you've seen the one about going from New York to London; very funny.</p> <p><img src="/img/smilies/icon_wave.gif" alt=":wave:" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2007/06/19/you_tube_land~2479289/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2007-06-18:/2007/06/18/my_faults~2473173/m1cvg2007-06-18T10:25:34+02:002007-06-18T10:25:34+02:00 <p>I was asked the other day how my blog was going and I realised I hadn't actually written it for a while. Having just logged on, I see that it has been more than a while. Logging on was interesting as I had forgotten how!!</p> <p>I’ve just come back from swimming; I’ve taken to swimming in the mornings to alleviate stress. I try and do about half a mile but as I can’t keep count of my length I now do it by time. I know from experience that I can do half a mile in half and hour so if I do at least that time I can do at least that distance. I stay in the slow lane so as not to be put under too much pressure but I had to smile today as I was following a lady who was putting in so much effort to her length and getting no where fast. She did front crawl for a few length and even with me do breast stroke I had to slow down so as not to catch her up and get kicked in the face. I prefer to do crawl but haven’t the stamina to keep it up for more than a length.</p> <p>The only problem with doing swimming to keep fit is that it will make my shoulders even broader than they already are. ~ Something that has been pointed out to me in no un-certain terms!</p> <p>On the subject of my faults I found out the other night that they are considered weird. I was asking someone about the good and bad points of living with some one they had just finished with. He said she was very good and giving him his freedom. He could stay out with his mates and drink till late and she never complained. However her faults included the fact that she nagged a lot. My personal view of that is that a woman only nags because she has to. My marriage may be very ropey but I never have to nag; everything is shared and I suppose that after so many years together we run like a well oiled machine.</p> <p>Another of her ‘faults’ was that she had some REALLY REALLY REALLY annoying ways. He then looked at me and said “but not half as annoying as you I have to say”. That hurt.<img src="/img/smilies/icon_cry.gif" alt=":'(" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>She vacuumed a lot it seemed but mine include the way I stack the dish washer, the fact that I like people to dry their feet BEFORE getting out of the shower or bath (even though I have a bath mat) and because I dry the shower door so it doesn’t get spotty and lime scaly.</p> <p>Well I’m sorry but my faults stay. Personally I don’t see a problem with them, especially as I’ve seen the way he leaves a bedroom, a bathroom and a kitchen. I’d rather live alone forever than compromise on those things. It’s not like they take an inordinate amount of time to do or take up a large part of my life. I’m a Capricorn so they are in-built anyway, I couldn’t change them even if I wanted to and I don’t so there!</p> <p>We spent two hours talking and I have to say that I learned more about him in those two hours than I had in all the years I’ve known him. MMmmm <img src="/img/smilies/icon_rolleyes.gif" alt=":roll:" class="middle" border="0"><br> <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wave.gif" alt=":wave:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2007/06/18/my_faults~2473173/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2006-11-10:/2006/11/10/what_goes_around~1315261/m1cvg2006-11-10T11:40:51+01:002006-11-10T11:40:51+01:00 <p>The last few weeks have been a roller coaster. Bliss for a day when I saw Ned. As usual when I’ve seen him I feel as if we’ve come to an understanding. We talked about the way I thought it was very one sided and that he never contacted me. He promised he would send me an email on the Monday. It has been two weeks since then and although I’ve emailed him he seems to have disappeared – again.</p> <p>The trouble is that one of my fears is that something has actually happened to him. Has he been involved in an accident? How would I find out if he has; the not knowing is heart breaking? On the other hand he may just be ignoring me.</p> <p>Lollie has cottoned on, so I’ve told her little bits. It was a good feeling to share my troubles for a little while. On another subject of one of my pupils Lollie said “what goes around comes around” meaning that if you do horrible things to someone one day horrible things will happen to you.</p> <p>I think that is what is happening to me now. I’m now paying for the fact that I’ve had an affair and that I’ve hurt other people. So what is happening to me now is only fair and that I deserve all the awful feelings I’m experiencing. </p> <p>Am I depressed or am I just miserably sad. I know I’m confused – mainly due to Ned’s actions, I’ll never understand. He said he loved me; we had a lovely day together. Why haven’t I heard from him? Is he okay? I only wish I knew.</p> <p>I must keep thinking he is and that what is happening is because</p> <p>WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND <img src="/img/smilies/grayconfused.gif" alt=":??:" class="middle" border="0"> <img src="/img/smilies/graycry.gif" alt=":`(" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2006/11/10/what_goes_around~1315261/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2006-10-12:/2006/10/12/stuffing~1212805/m1cvg2006-10-12T11:30:43+02:002006-10-12T11:32:30+02:00 <p>I saw Ned the other day, it was quite unexpected and arrange quite quickly. He said in an email that he was visiting his Mum and we could meet for breakfast. I managed to get a two hour slot away from home so there it was, an arrangement made.</p> <p>What puzzles me is why then, why out of all the times and opportunities there has been why did it happen then? What made him ask?</p> <p>Of course now he has disappeared again, no word, no sign, no explanation. I actual mentioned over the bacon and eggs that I thought it would happen and why does it happen. Why does he become a ghost every time we have a meet. It takes weeks of searching to get him back. Soul searching as much as anything. Why do I bother, why can’t I let go, why do I find myself in bits because of his actions or lack of actions.</p> <p>He admitted he is secretive but didn’t expand on why, he said it caused problems at home as well. I still have silly day dreams that we’ll end up together in the far distant future but when I think about it objectively I realise that he is so deep seated now that he won’t change. One of things I fell in love with was his openness. Oh I do love him.</p> <p>I wanted to memorise little details, like his face, has he grown older, his hair, has it grown greyer. He wore jeans, with paint on, brown shoes, and a t’shirt. I did notice he wasn’t wearing the watch I bought him.</p> <p>But he did hold my hand across the table, and as we walked back to the cars he took my hand again. These nice warm feelings are misleading though, I also assume, wrongly, that this time it will be different and he will call me, text me, email me. But true to form he doesn’t. previous times it has always been because (he says) he has been away but of course being away would be a perfect time to text, he doesn’t need access to a computer for that, so ‘being away’ doesn’t cut the mustard.</p> <p>Oh shit, bugger, crap, if I had a cat I’d kick it, I’ll just have to go a shake the stuffing out of a teddy bear. I wish someone would shake the stuffing out of me.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2006/10/12/stuffing~1212805/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2006-09-13:/2006/09/13/empty_nest~1123672/m1cvg2006-09-13T21:04:54+02:002006-09-13T21:04:54+02:00 <p>There was the faintest chance that I might get to see Ned for a moment or two this week and I hadn’t realised how much I had been looking forward to it. Of course I had not banked on it and even thought I had convinced myself that it wouldn’t happen but deep down I really hoped it might. I thought I would be very philosophical if it didn’t happen but once I found out it wasn’t going to happen I was surprised at how upset I was and I am not a bit philosophical. </p> <p>The trouble is that when I feel low I’m not very good at getting out of it. I finished work early today and half thought about coming home and ‘doing’ lots in the garden to take my mind of things and make me tired and worn out so I’d sleep tonight. But did I? Did I hell. I sat on the bed and watched one of those mushy afternoon films. What a waste of an afternoon especially as it wasn’t raining and it was nice and warm outside.</p> <p>Ned said some nice things in an email but I get so frustrated that his emails are always so brief and say very little. I never really get to know why it can be 2 months sometimes before I get a reply. I must admit I find it hard to fathom that work is always the reason.</p> <p>AND why is it that I never get an email that has originated from his end. Any email is great but just once or twice I’d like him to take the initiative, just so I know that he is thinking of me and not just being reminded by me, if that makes sense. </p> <p>This love lark is a mine field.</p> <p>In the shower this morning, really just wanting to go back to bed, I was thinking about the empty nest syndrome. I don’t have children so never really thought about it before but I can really understand the need to be needed and the loss that is felt when you are no longer needed. </p> <p>I was trying to think about the number of people who need me and it amounted to none. Mr Trix is very independent and goes out of his way to refuse help or support to the extent of being rude sometimes.</p> <p>I haven’t spoken to my brother for more than eighteen months and my Gran is well cared for in the care home (must go and visit again soon). Dad is off on holiday for 3 weeks in Sri Lanka with Cecilie and my pupils don’t know I’m alive once the lesson has finished.</p> <p>One would like to think that one made a difference in other peoples lives, but there must be many people who like me feel they don’t.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2006/09/13/empty_nest~1123672/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2006-08-31:/2006/08/31/name_game~1086090/m1cvg2006-08-31T17:24:07+02:002006-08-31T17:24:07+02:00 <p>We went for drinks the other evening at Mr Trix bosses house. They had put awnings up in the garden as it had been a very nice day. Trouble is, as soon as evening came it rained! But it was a pleasant evening. </p> <p>On the way we picked up Colin, Mr Trix colleague. He is from ‘up north’ and has a reputation for being grumpy at work. Well that’s what Mr Trix says.</p> <p>Half way through the evening we were given a piece of paper with a name on and we had to find the other half. Mr Trix had Fred so he had to find Wilmer, easy enough, just yell. I was given Judy so went off to find Punch. As I didn’t know anyone I started with Colin and asked if he had a piece of paper. I suspected that he didn’t as doesn’t like games! I asked if he was looking for someone, he said yes, but it won’t be you.</p> <p>I wasn’t sure how to take that, but asked who he was. He said “Richard” and I said “oh”, and he said “you’re not Judy are you”? I thought about lying, but just said I thought I was looking for Punch, which made me sound stupid, it never occurred to me to look for Richard! </p> <p>He then went on to say that he was quite surprised when he first met me as I didn’t look like the photo on Mr Trix desk. I asked why, and he said I looked younger. But the photos on Mr Trix desk are a few years old. Someone else then said he was creeping because of what he’d said earlier. I’m inclined to agree.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2006/08/31/name_game~1086090/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2006-08-29:/2006/08/29/tuesday~1080647/m1cvg2006-08-29T20:34:49+02:002006-08-29T20:34:49+02:00 <p>So the bank holiday came and went. Yet again hints of ‘going some where’ fell on deaf ears. I can see that if I want to see places like Windsor Castle, Stone Henge and the like I’ll have to go myself.</p> <p>At least I can say that I’ve seen Cheddar Gorge and done the rides at Alton Towers, thanks to Ned that is. We’ve even done the open top bus ride in Bath!</p> <p>Quite by accident I watched the film Legend of the Falls the other night. I’d heard it was a good film and it was. Trouble is ever since then I’ve felt really sad. She loved him sooo much and he loved her, but his feelings were not as strong, well they didn’t last shall we say. She pined for him for ever and it never seemed to diminish.</p> <p>I suppose I always assumed that one day my pining would come to an end, that one day I’d snap out of the feeling of rejection and loneliness. It made me think that maybe that day may never come.</p> <p>What really surprises me is that I never would have thought I’d be that sort of person. I always thought that I would be able to shrug of feeling for someone if I needed to. Trouble is I fell in love, end of story.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2006/08/29/tuesday~1080647/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2006-08-23:/2006/08/23/catch_up~1063446/m1cvg2006-08-23T19:57:04+02:002006-08-23T19:57:04+02:00 <p>We bought a bird feeder at the weekend and the garden has been full of different birds ever since. I’m nearly late for work some days because I spend too long watching out the window.</p> <p>Two Saturdays ago I was amazed to find a wood pecker in the garden. He stayed quite a while eating the ants and mooching around and not five minutes after he’d gone there was a pheasant in the garden. Maybe that is what has been making all the noise in the bushes.</p> <p>On a completely different subject:</p> <p>If someone tells you something, and then a situation changes that something and the person who said it doesn’t tell you about the change, does that make the first statement a lie? I know it wasn’t a lie at first, but surely if something changes it is only polite to let a person know of the change or that person spends all their time laboring under a false impression.</p> <p>The bank holiday is nearly upon us. As usual we will probably stay home and 'do' things about the house or garden, well I will because the cricket season hasn't finished yet and Mr Trix will be at cricket. Good job I like mooching about at home, lets hope the rain keeps off so I can mooch inside or out.</p> <p>Before you know it the end of the year will be here - again!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2006/08/23/catch_up~1063446/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2006-08-06:/2006/08/06/bliss_it_s_sunday~1018080/m1cvg2006-08-06T15:45:10+02:002006-08-06T15:45:10+02:00 <p><img src="/img/smilies/icon_wave.gif" alt=":wave:" class="middle" border="0">Something is going on in the bushes at the bottom of the garden! Fairies I doubt but wouldn’t it be lovely if it were?</p> <p>I suspect it is some kind of bird but what they are doing there I don’t know. Could it be a hedgepig or a fox?</p> <p>I bought a bird book because I think it is about time I knew the names of most of the visitors. Most I already knew but we occasionally get one with red patches behind his beak and I think it is a great finch.</p> <p>The two adult robins seem to have gone although I thought they were territorial. However, we have one or two (difficult to tell) juvenile robins. Their red breasts are just starting to show through. One (or both) is especially partial to the bird bath and has a good ‘ol dunk several times a day.</p> <p>Talking of bird bath, the thing is empty in a flash when the starlings come. They arrive in large gangs and pile in en mass and slosh about while others wait impatiently on the fence for their turn. By the time they finish I have to refill it.</p> <p>A couple of times just as the sun comes up we've been woken by a thud on the bedroom window. A bird strike. Sometimes they're ok but last week we found the poor thing dead on the path under the window. <img src="/img/smilies/grayno.gif" alt=":no:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>Mr Trix is off at cricket, like he is every Sunday in the summer. I don’t mind and encourage him to go so I can have time to myself. Sometimes I have loads to do and others I just want to do things that he doesn’t like, such as go to the garden centre and mooch.</p> <p>Today I did the ironing, had a late shower and am now sitting in the garden with one eye on the birds and one on the blog.</p> <p>As I do every Sunday, I wonder if Ned will text and say “hello you, fancy a coffee”. I don't know why, it has never happened yet.</p> <p>Did a really stupid thing last week, had a bath late Sunday afternoon after nearly killing myself lifting garden pots and reached for what I thought was Radox, nearly poured mouth wash into the water. Well they were both green and in tall bottles! Don’t suppose it would have mattered anyway.</p> <p>Ho hum! <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wave.gif" alt=":wave:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2006/08/06/bliss_it_s_sunday~1018080/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2006-07-09:/2006/07/09/devon_days~946897/m1cvg2006-07-09T21:13:15+02:002006-07-09T21:13:15+02:00 <p>Toddled off to Plymouth for the weekend to visit Dad & Cecilie; haven’t been for about a year, well slightly more if I really think about it.</p> <p>The first thing Dad says to me, after the hellos etc is:</p> <p>“What’s that mark on your face, how long has it been there, has it got any bigger, have you had it checked?”</p> <p>To which I replied</p> <p>“Don’t know, quite a while, it must have if you’ve noticed it, yes I have but maybe I should go back again.”</p> <p>Trouble is I’m on the inside looking out, so I don’t notice it like others do. I asked Mr. Trix if he thought it has got bigger and because he sees it every day can’t really say. I’d better get it looked at again. </p> <p>Mind you, getting an appointment with the Doc is joke that isn’t funny. You can’t make an appointment in advance, you have to phone on the day; impossible in my job so I tend not to bother.</p> <p>On Saturday, we all went off for a drive and ended up at Bigbury Beach. There is an island off the beach called Burgh Island where stands a very famous Art Deco hotel often used in Agatha Christie movies. Anyway I digress, I used to spend my summer holidays in the next bay as I grandparents had a caravan there. I haven’t been for about 35 years and have memories of coming back from the island in a very large tractor like thing that was the only way back once the tide had come in.</p> <p>I wanted to ride on it again but the tide wasn’t coming in till about 5.00 so we walked back and had a warm pasty picnic on the beach watching the rain clouds get closer and closer. In the end it didn’t rain at all. Then we drove off to Salcombe for the rest of the afternoon.</p> <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/media/media_item.php?item_ID=675403"><img src="http://data2.blog.de/media/403/675403_6de673f195_s.jpg" align="" alt="Burgh Island" title="Burgh Island" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2006/07/09/devon_days~946897/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2006-07-05:/2006/07/05/blast_from_the_past~935201/m1cvg2006-07-05T14:56:05+02:002006-07-05T14:56:05+02:00 <p>I went into the coop this morning for a few bits and as I was leaving via the CD rack a blast from the past caught my eye.</p> <p>Motown Chart Busters Vol 3. My brother used to have the vinyl version and I used to borrow it when he was out and play it on my very own record player.</p> <p>The lady at the counter said “oh I used to have this”<br> “You’re showing your age” says I, at the same time showing mine.</p> <p>Now I need a long journey on which to enjoy it all in one hit. So that will be going to Plymouth on Friday then.</p> <p>A bit of a song for Ned:<br> If I could get another chance,<br> another walk,<br> another dance with him<br> I’d play a song that would never, ever end<br> How I’d love, love, love<br> To dance with my lover again.</p> <p>I seem to have been side lined, black listed, ignored again. I have no idea why and have spent ages trying to decide if it is better to know or to not know!</p> <p>I mean, if I knew the reason it might upset me. Then again, if it turned out to be a misunderstanding, then it could be talked about. I’ve thought and thought (as Winnie the pooh would do) and can’t think of anything.</p> <p>So I remain puzzled and bewildered and sad and annoyed and helpless.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2006/07/05/blast_from_the_past~935201/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2006-07-04:/2006/07/04/things_to_have~932553/m1cvg2006-07-04T16:31:51+02:002006-07-04T16:34:38+02:00 <p>I was in the furniture shop this morning using my little tape measure to measure the width of the chairs when a lady came up and asked to borrow it (the tape measure not the chair).  I'd only had it back a moment or two when another lady asked the same question.  Don't all ladies carry a tape measure in their handbags??</p> <p>Then, sitting like billy no mates in the coffee shop of the coop, eating my toasted tea cake a lady came up and asked where I had bought my top.  It's nothing special, just a t'shirt out of Mackay's but she said she had been looking for one similar.  Trouble is it is last years so she may be out of luck.</p> <p>I must have a very approachable face; is this a good thing?  I suppose it depends on who approaches and what they want.  I've often thought I'd like to ask someone where they bought their shoes or how they did their hair like that, but haven't the nerve.  I usually see these things when on escalators!!</p> <p>I've had a new carpet fitted this morning, so now the suite looks rubbish against it, so hence the measuring of chair widths, they are so wide these days, look very cozy and comfy but would they fit in the room?  and can we afford one?</p> <p>I can hear thunder rumbling in the distance, I love that sound.  I love a good storm so the rumbling means there is one on the way; great.  My next student may not think so.</p> <p>Better go and close the sun roof, sitting on wet seats is no fun at all. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2006/07/04/things_to_have~932553/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2006-07-03:/2006/07/03/sunny_days~928676/m1cvg2006-07-03T10:04:55+02:002006-07-03T10:04:55+02:00 <p>Where have I been, well I’ve been here, just haven’t had an internet connection for yonks, but now I do, sort of.</p> <p>Went to Hunstanton on the motorbike yesterday. Trouble is that it always reminds me of Ned. Spent the entire journey thinking about him. I think it best that we don’t go there again. I’m sure there are other places we can go and get fish and chips on a nice sunny day. Came back with a lousy headache, may have something to do with the way Mr Trix rides. Zoom up to a roundabout, brake hard and then off again. Of course I could learn to ride my own bike that would solve the problem. Wonder what Ned would say if he thought I was going to learn to ride a bike?</p> <p>There was a lady there yesterday that had her own bike. A CBR 600. Mind you she was a tad taller than me. If I wasn't so short in the leg I'm sure I would have learnt to ride my now. I think I would have liked that, but I think I've left it too long to start now.</p> <p>What might help is if I had a helmet that didn't have so much wind noise going on. Pay a fortune for a helmet but you can't try it out first. Think I might go back to my old helmet.</p> <p>The washing machine calls, so I'd better go peg out!!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2006/07/03/sunny_days~928676/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2006-05-10:/2006/05/10/sorry_sorry_sorry~788535/m1cvg2006-05-10T09:09:23+02:002006-05-10T09:09:23+02:00 <p>Dear Blog, </p> <p>So sorry for having neglected you for so long. </p> <p>I’m still packing, slowly. As yet I haven’t found that I’ve needed anything that I’ve packed, so what does that tell you. Strange thing though, there is one thing I know I haven’t packed, but I can’t find it. It is a basket of kitchen essentials, quite large as well, but can I find it!</p> <p>The weather last week was amazing, but his week quite changeable. However, Mr Trix has decided it is the time of year that the motor can come out of hibernation so he has taken it to work today.</p> <p>Talking of weather, the new house, which is empty, now has grass knee high and very soon you’ll need a pith helmet and gun to walk through it. First thing we’ll need to buy is a mower and the first thing we’ll (well him) will have to do is mow.</p> <p>Work calls</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2006/05/10/sorry_sorry_sorry~788535/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2006-05-01:/2006/05/01/shopping_and_trivia~769364/m1cvg2006-05-01T21:59:10+02:002006-05-01T21:59:10+02:00 <p>I and the young person Lauren had an outing to Ikea in Milton Keynes on Saturday. We were able to go because Mr Trix has gone to Scotland; he hates the idea of me spending money in Ikea.</p> <p>On the way we listened to a compilation CD I had made. She asked who was singing one of the tracks and I said it was Karen Carpenter.</p> <p>I made a comment about so many well known people having died young, such as Karen, Alexander the Great (28), Eva Peron (32), Mario Lanza (38), etc. To each of them she said “who”.</p> <p>Now I know she isn’t thick, and has had decent education, she goes to University in the autumn, but there seems to be a huge gap in her general history knowledge. She had never heard of Helen of Troy, or the battle at Gallipoli, but she had heard of Hitler! </p> <p>She said “how do you know all this stuff?” </p> <p>To be honest I don’t know, but I do. To me it is just general knowledge and I didn’t learn much of this at school. I suppose I just picked it up along the road of life.</p> <p>We managed to spend about 4 hours in Ikea.</p> <p>The rest of the weekend I’ve spent packing. Heaven knows why, we still don’t have a date for moving. I tidied the garden as well.</p> <p>I could get used to these long weekends.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2006/05/01/shopping_and_trivia~769364/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2006-04-26:/2006/04/26/oops~756465/m1cvg2006-04-26T08:16:13+02:002006-04-26T08:16:13+02:00 <p>I'm glad to see that no one noticed my typo the other day. Obviously I meant to put Bopit and not Bobit. Those of us of a certain age will know what I mean!! <img src="/img/smilies/icon_crazy.gif" alt=":crazy:" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2006/04/26/oops~756465/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2006-04-24:/2006/04/24/idiot_that_i_am~751353/m1cvg2006-04-24T10:16:42+02:002006-04-24T10:16:42+02:00 <p>Well after all the hype about having the painting done and taking a piccie to post on my blog I didn't even remember about it till this morning in the shower. Why do I always remember things when I'm in the shower?</p> <p>Anyway the recipient was very pleased with her picture. I have to admit it was very good and now I've remembered I didn't take a picture I'm really annoyed with myself. I must ask the artist if he took one.</p> <p>Lauren spent Saturday night on our sofa, seeing as the spare bed is up-ended due to packing boxes. I didn't know she was staying till 10.30pm when it turned out she was at the pub at the end of our road.</p> <p>The rest of the weekend was decidedly un-moving like. In limbo with no moving date means I don't have the inclination to pack more boxes so didn't. Apart from anything else finding somewhere to put said packed boxes is proving difficult. We already have to walk sideways in the hall and up the stairs.</p> <p>Sunday, the youth and Mr Trix spent playing bobit. I had a list of things to do and did none of them. But I did find the time to have my usual Sunday afternoon lounge in the bath before dinner.</p> <p>I got a new phone on Saturday so any spare time I had I spent getting to know it. Far too clever for the likes of me!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2006/04/24/idiot_that_i_am~751353/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:m1cvg1.blog.co.uk,2006-04-20:/2006/04/20/house_saga~741205/m1cvg2006-04-20T09:15:08+02:002006-04-20T09:15:08+02:00 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/media/media_item.php?item_ID=491683"><img src="http://data1.blog.de/media/683/491683_fbdcf7fa5c_s.jpg" align="" alt="Be Brave" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p>This house moving lark is dragging on and on and on. I've just had a surveryor around again, our buyers are changing lenders mid stream so yet more delays. If this carries on I'll stay put. I love this house anyway and the only reason I'm moving is to gain a private garden. Be calm, think calm thoughts, oh ya, think calm thoughts.</p> <p>That worked fine till I remembered who I have on lessons today.</p> <p>And tonight we must rush off to our artist friend and see what wonders he has performed.</p> <p>Ned is off to sunny Africa for work for a while, lucky chap, well lucky if he gets the chance to do some sight seeing and animal watching. I wonder if he'll tell me anything about it. At one time he told me everything, all very excited and willing to share, but these days he tells me very little; I feel so shut out, but that's life I suppose, nothing stays the same.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://m1cvg1.blog.co.uk/2006/04/20/house_saga~741205/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>