Trix

Sidejump is to blame! As you can see it sucks. Not for the rating for the taking part!

I did the 'What animal are you" one and turned into a cat but it wouldn't post so you'll just have to believe me.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	4.5
Mind:	3.7
Body:	7.3
Spirit:	3.6
Friends/Family:	2.5
Love:	1.8
Finance:	6.7
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

I’ve started coming out of the closet, I’ve told two people this week that he is moving out. Needless to say I cried both times but not the sobbing I wanted to do. I kept a stiff upper lip and took lots of deep breaths.

Strangely on both occasions they both said they had gone cold all over once the news had sunk in. As yet though I haven’t told my Dad and as far as I’m aware he hasn’t told anyone, not even his sister. Neither of us are that close to our families but close enough that they will be upset, my Dad especially as he is 75 and we have got closer over the years. Distance plays a part in both our families, his live in Scotland and mine live in Plymouth, except my brother who lives 3o miles away and I haven’t seen for two years or more!

The two people I told are not even ‘friends’. One was my boss and the other my hairdresser. Maybe I was using them to practice on. People who have known us both for years are going to be very shocked as there has never been any hint that we weren’t anything but happy and content. And that’s what I thought too!

The fact that we don’t really see our ‘friends’ has made it easy to keep the situation to ourselves. I have wondered how long I could actually keep it from everyone. Months in truth as most of the people we know don’t live locally so we only ever have contact once or twice a year or it is by email and you can hide everything in an email!

I need a hug, I need to feel loved, I would like to feel like a real person and not a worn out piece of knotted string. I’d like to feel young and care free. Fat chance.

During the day I keep it all together, and during the evening I keep it under control but I’m getting really worn out with the effort of it all. But still there is an end date. He has said he is moving out and today, quite by chance I passed him on the by-pass. He should have been at work. Apparently he had been looking at a place to move to. I asked if he would have told me if I hadn’t seen him and he said he didn’t know. I do, he wouldn’t.

I also said he didn’t seem particularly bothered by the fact that we were splitting up, he said he wouldn’t say he wasn’t bothered. Pick the bones out of that? He seems to be neither here or there on the subject and certainly won’t talk about it. Well that’s the problem; he never did talk about anything. So now we find our selves at the end of a 30 year relationship.

I get the impression that once he moves out I won’t see or hear from him again. He has no interest in me or anything about me. To be honest I think I could do with a few weeks of non contact; I need to hibernate for a while.

But it isn’t going to be easy and I imagine that is an understatement!

A man chatted to me today. A complete stranger, in Tesco. Not a place a like to shop in but the coffee shop is half decent and cheap and they provide free newspapers to read. This chap had just finished his Express and asked me if I'd finished with The Times so we swopped. In the process we had a conversation about how wonderful it was that Alan Johnson had been released yesterday. He had a particilar interest because he had worked at the BBC. I didn't get to find out what he was doing in Tesco in the middle of the day though.

It can be quite lonely having a break in coffee shops so having a newspaper or such like to read means you don't spend time watching everyone else and wondering what they're talking about.

Next door have gone away to Scotland for two weeks, starting at a rock concert for 3 days. They seem to be recapturing their youth and taking their teenage son with them. I'm in charge of checking the house, taking the post in and picking their raspberries and strawaberries so they don't get wasted. How does one make raspberry coulee (sp)? I suppose I could make smoothies yum yum.

Sometimes I hear a song on the radio for the first time and bam, the lyric or melody get to me. I heard a Billy Joel song yesterday for the first time and it had that effect. Made me think about someone; but then I think about him all the time anyway.

I never ask you where you go
After I leave you in the morning
We go our different ways to separate situations
It's not that easy anymore

Today I do what must be done
I give my time to total strangers
But now it feels as though the day goes on forever
More than it ever did before

Until the night, until the night
I just might make it
Until the night, until the night
When I see you again

Now you're afraid that we have changed
And I'm afraid we're getting older
So many broken hearts, so many lonely faces
So many lovers come and gone

I'll have my fears like every man
You'll have your tears like every woman
Today we'll be unsure, is this what we believe in
And wonder how can we go on

Until the night, until the night
I just might make it
Until the night, until the night
When I see you again

When the sun goes down
And the day is over
When the last of the light has gone
As they pour into the street
I will be getting closer
As the cars turn their headlights on
While they're closing it down
We're gonna open it up
And while they're going to sleep
We'll just be starting to touch
I'm just beginning to feel
I'm just beginning to give
I'm just beginning to feel
I'm just beginning to live
Before I leave you again
Before the light of the dawn
Before this evening can end
I have been waiting so long

Until the night, until the night
I just might make it
Until the night, until the night
I'll just keep holding on
Until the night, until the night
When I see you again

Geeze I feel hacked off. I feel this way most mornings. Yet another day with nothing solved and yet another day with nothing to look forwad to. I keep reading my stars, heaven knows why, clutching at straws I expect, and they keep saying do and say nothing. This is good because that is my plan anyway. The thought process behind this is that I can't be blamed for anything. A bit arse about face because I know that everything that is wrong in my life is my fault anyway.

I used to try hard, I know I'm very trying!!!! But whether I try hard or do nothing the outcome is still the same. My life seems to revolve around other people's whims, Maybe I should take control and then live with the consequences. Why should other people in my life have all the power.

I also seem to spend a lot of time trying not to cry but once in bed at night they often seep out from under the lashes and I hate that feeling when they slid over your nose - it tickles.

I have two choices right now, get back under the quilt or get dressed and go to work. MMmm

Well I’ve thought about it long and hard and have decided that it would be a period of time.

I always thought that 36 was a very sophisticated age for a woman; the right age to be mature yet in her prime and looking back it was that age for me. Well from about 36 to 40.

I had a job I loved a boss I adored and a group of friends who were the greatest. I was at my slimmest and my most confidant. Unfortunately during this time I also experienced my saddest time when Mike died from cancer.

I also nearly died twice, both scuba incidents. Maybe that was a hint!

After the age of 40 it all went in the shape of a pear. Over the next few years my friend died, my boss died; both at the age of 48 from brain haemorrhages, and the group of friends are now scattered to the four winds.

I was talking to one of the group the other week and he was saying how he had come to realise how powerful he was. He had the power to affect other people’s lives and change them completely.

As I listened I came to realise that during that time I was completely powerLESS to have any affect on his powers and knowing that made me feel really small, useless and insignificant. He calls me a friend but I’m not sure why.

But I digress. Looking back to that slot in time I seem to remember feeling very settled and content. BUT

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

I didn’t know that then.

I spent last evening with an old work colleague. He is a good friend and always there when needed. The kind of bloke who would give you his last shilling and not ask questions.

He seems to have become my confidant in the lack of anyone else to talk to and he like me is baffled by the whole situation. He keeps saying “there is more to this than meets the eye.” I’m not so sure but keep an open mind.

Anyway he suddenly asked me “what is your happiest memory” ?

I thought and thought and couldn’t come up with an answer. He found that very strange. I explained that many things had popped into my head but once there it was quickly followed by something that had spoilt it. Someone’s stern look or a comment or someone else just ruining the whole thing.

I asked if he meant a single event or a period of time? He said it didn't matter, then his next question was “what is your saddest memory”?

I'll give both of these questions some thought.

He said his happiest time was in the Navy and especially when he graduated as a Navy Pilot. A long distant memory now but it still gives him great pride - that's nice.