Trix

I saw Ned the other day, it was quite unexpected and arrange quite quickly. He said in an email that he was visiting his Mum and we could meet for breakfast. I managed to get a two hour slot away from home so there it was, an arrangement made.

What puzzles me is why then, why out of all the times and opportunities there has been why did it happen then? What made him ask?

Of course now he has disappeared again, no word, no sign, no explanation. I actual mentioned over the bacon and eggs that I thought it would happen and why does it happen. Why does he become a ghost every time we have a meet. It takes weeks of searching to get him back. Soul searching as much as anything. Why do I bother, why can’t I let go, why do I find myself in bits because of his actions or lack of actions.

He admitted he is secretive but didn’t expand on why, he said it caused problems at home as well. I still have silly day dreams that we’ll end up together in the far distant future but when I think about it objectively I realise that he is so deep seated now that he won’t change. One of things I fell in love with was his openness. Oh I do love him.

I wanted to memorise little details, like his face, has he grown older, his hair, has it grown greyer. He wore jeans, with paint on, brown shoes, and a t’shirt. I did notice he wasn’t wearing the watch I bought him.

But he did hold my hand across the table, and as we walked back to the cars he took my hand again. These nice warm feelings are misleading though, I also assume, wrongly, that this time it will be different and he will call me, text me, email me. But true to form he doesn’t. previous times it has always been because (he says) he has been away but of course being away would be a perfect time to text, he doesn’t need access to a computer for that, so ‘being away’ doesn’t cut the mustard.

Oh shit, bugger, crap, if I had a cat I’d kick it, I’ll just have to go a shake the stuffing out of a teddy bear. I wish someone would shake the stuffing out of me.