Trix

There was the faintest chance that I might get to see Ned for a moment or two this week and I hadn’t realised how much I had been looking forward to it. Of course I had not banked on it and even thought I had convinced myself that it wouldn’t happen but deep down I really hoped it might. I thought I would be very philosophical if it didn’t happen but once I found out it wasn’t going to happen I was surprised at how upset I was and I am not a bit philosophical.

The trouble is that when I feel low I’m not very good at getting out of it. I finished work early today and half thought about coming home and ‘doing’ lots in the garden to take my mind of things and make me tired and worn out so I’d sleep tonight. But did I? Did I hell. I sat on the bed and watched one of those mushy afternoon films. What a waste of an afternoon especially as it wasn’t raining and it was nice and warm outside.

Ned said some nice things in an email but I get so frustrated that his emails are always so brief and say very little. I never really get to know why it can be 2 months sometimes before I get a reply. I must admit I find it hard to fathom that work is always the reason.

AND why is it that I never get an email that has originated from his end. Any email is great but just once or twice I’d like him to take the initiative, just so I know that he is thinking of me and not just being reminded by me, if that makes sense.

This love lark is a mine field.

In the shower this morning, really just wanting to go back to bed, I was thinking about the empty nest syndrome. I don’t have children so never really thought about it before but I can really understand the need to be needed and the loss that is felt when you are no longer needed.

I was trying to think about the number of people who need me and it amounted to none. Mr Trix is very independent and goes out of his way to refuse help or support to the extent of being rude sometimes.

I haven’t spoken to my brother for more than eighteen months and my Gran is well cared for in the care home (must go and visit again soon). Dad is off on holiday for 3 weeks in Sri Lanka with Cecilie and my pupils don’t know I’m alive once the lesson has finished.

One would like to think that one made a difference in other peoples lives, but there must be many people who like me feel they don’t.